Happy New Year P3 members and readers!

I internalize a lot of things that makes me a hardcore thinker. As a writer I do a lot of reflecting and believe that the holiday season is the best time to do this specifically New Year’s. I didn’t expect to be in the city throughout the entire season, but life happens and it goes on.

2010 was an absolute rollercoaster of changes, discoveries, and growing pains. I’m thankful for what I’ve learned and understand the importance of making myself happy. I’m nervous about this new year, but whatever is will build character and turn me into the woman I want to be.

I started this month’s entry on the brink of a break through and it‘s only fitting that I share it with you.

Some time last week

As of last night I’ve uncovered another flaw of myself. For the longest time I used to be afraid of the real me mainly because I knew I wasn’t the greatest person I‘ve fooled myself to be . I stopped being afraid and started facing myself head on. There were some things that desperately needed to be fixed so I could function as an adult in the world. One of the biggest things I’ve learned is how to be alone, but what I also learned is that I don’t do well when I’m alone. Instead of going off the deep end I have found ways to deal with it and every now and then I forget how, but managed to get back on the wagon.

Here’s the breakthrough I’ve discovered why my relationships fail, I’m selfish. In a conversation with a friend who isn’t afraid to be honest with me told me that there are two types of people selfish and selfless. It’s amazing how concepts are easily forgotten. Apparently they both are givers, but selfish people expect something back. I’ll go back to myself for a moment, I honestly thought (and kind still do) things are given evenly in a relationship. What my friend told me was that sometimes the perception of even is skewed. If the relationship works then there’s balance and there is always someone giving more.

I’ll gladly say I want to find the one, spend years enjoying each others company then having my twins and drink sweet tea on my porch. Don’t get me wrong my happiness isn’t defined in another person, learned that the hard way. I guess it all goes back to me in this alone factor. I’m still having a hard time maintaining a close circle of friends. I blame conflicting schedules, but if the friendship works then it’s balanced. Everyone has to put in some work, but I can only make the call of how much I want to put in.

Now that I’ve found the source of failed relationships now I have to decided if I want to change it. I do.

This is my life and I chose to be a better person….the things I want in life are depending on it.

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