Wilder in Real Life: The Return

By Lauren Wilder

Last month I took a bit of a hiatus.  I’ll admit it, I felt guilty for leaving you guys hanging.  Times got a little bit harder while I’m still adjusting to being completely out on my own.

 I lost another job at the time and even though I had a lot to say for an installment,  I couldn’t seem to collect my thoughts.  I could go into my feelings and the details of yet another stint of unemployment, but I’ve moved forward. I’m glad to say that I have employment now and things seem to be going back to normal (whatever that is). 

Now that we’re up to speed I can get into the meat for this month…

Have you ever felt like you lost a part of yourself?  If you haven’t then you’re probably lying.  I’ve been aware of this for a while and it decided to surface about a week ago.   I hoped this loss wouldn’t surface because I hate to say it, but I’m a bit ashamed as if I failed myself.  

When people tell you that you’re going to be OK you don’t believe it, but when you say it to yourself then you believe it.  That’s what I did, folks, I started believing it while neglecting the process that comes with getting to the point of “OK.” What I realized is that the best thing I can give myself is time.  

There are parts of myself that I wish would return with a wiggle of my nose.  I used to be a wonderful poet and that part of me has escaped perhaps because of my own evolution or will return at some insignificant moment.  I almost skipped writing this month because I am tired, but then I thought what’s the point of Chicago, transitioning, loving, breathing, if I don’t share it.  Yes, I believe it goes that deep because since I was 13 I kept notebooks, scrap paper, and napkins of things I wrote.  What you love will always be there. 

I also used to be a pretty nice artist, but too bad I’m a little too broke to shell out money for art supplies.  Not to be an egomaniac or anything, but I never realized how extraordinary I am until I began to realize things I’ve lost along the way.  I can’t force anything to come back, no matter how much I want it.

What I have to do is accept and love the person that I have become allowing the rest to come on its own.

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